Keeping Infidelity A Secret

So you've decided to take the infidelity plunge, huh? A little shagging on your lunch break? A microphone check at his flat on Tuesday and Thursday nights? Whatever your motivation (or justification), the fact is, you have to be smart about keeping your trysts secret.

Think like Double-Oh-whatever on a mission and cover your tracks. That means no leaving stains on her blue cocktail dress or using plastic to buy those naughty furry knickers.

Use Technology to Keep Your Fling Secret

Technological advances have practically revolutionised extramarital flings. Mobile phones alone have drastically reduced the threat of unwanted calls at home. So how should you manage that pesky caller ID that's sure to flash as soon as you step in the shower?

A buddy of mine, who enjoys having a few “friends” on the side, has a somewhat fool-proof strategy for keeping the wife (or husband) in the dark: Convert all first names to surnames. Luckily for him, he ended up with several friends with the same first name, so explaining the switch didn’t set off any bells.

When picture ID was introduced, he snapped shots of homely co-workers or random people in the street and used them to mask his consorts. If surnames won't work, channel your inner James Bond and create aliases. Disguises are optional.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Speaking of the British lothario, how many women is he bedding at any given time? Don't know? Of course not, because he keeps everything to the vest. And so should you. This might seem like a no-brainer, but you would be amazed by how easily common sense flies out the window when the mere thought of your S(exual).O(bject). induces Leg Crossing Syndrome.

Here you are, engaged in the best horizontal mambo of your life, and like the proverbial kid on Christmas morning, you're dying to call all your friends to share every filthy, tawdry, spine-tingling detail. One word: Resist. Why? Two words: Jealousy (or envy) and blabbermouth. The first is self-explanatory; misery loves company. If you’re no longer miserable (and bragging about it!), your mates at the pub might not take to that too well. The second, however, begs a mention.

Never Tell Your Friends

If you spilled the beans so willingly – and you’re the one with everything on the line – what’s to say your buddies won’t do the same? All the pinky swears and cross-your-heart-hope-to-die promises in the world won't mean anything if the friendships go south.

Bottom line: You need to do the work (and not just between the sheets). Those orgasms that shatter glass, however, are definitely worth it.

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